Mental Heath Day

When I was younger, I didn’t think about mental health. I was naive, closed minded and not open to the idea that a person could be “mentally ill”. 
Looking back at growing up,  now realising that members of my own family were going through problems and battles raised a sense of regret. Regret that I didn’t help, didn’t help enough or just plan ignored it. 

This, I feel, this was down to lack of knowledge, teaching on the matter and the stigma that is seemingly attached to talking about mental health. If people would openly talk about issues, with no stigma, learning about mental health issues would increase. This would enable people who are capable of helping, even if it’s just someone to talk too, to help.

I’ve wrote before how I have my own battles with mental health. I wanted to share my own little story about lack of understanding and how it affected me.

I was not in a good place mentally, the doctors had me on medication for depression. The world just kept throwing things at me, sending me down into a spiral. I was tired of putting on fake smile, pretending to be happy when I wasn’t. 

My friends have all tired the their best to help and support me. However one day, I was going through a particularly rough patch, on one of my worst days ever, a friend who I considered to be a very close friend, we have known each other and been friends for over 15 years. He said to me “just don’t think about it. Man up” or words to that effect as I can not remember the exact wording.

I find that attitude, and response to be highly offensive. If I could just not think about it, or “man up” I would not be going through a touch time. I liken it to someone who has a broken leg, “just walk”. For me it’s exactly the same. 

I do not know the best way to handle talking to a close friend who is going through mental health issues, I really don’t. But dismissing it is not the answer. 

Talk, listen and be supportive in anyway that you can to the people that you care about

KFC Double Down Burger Coming to the UK

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls and none-biniaries, KFC is bringing somthing special to the UK on Monday 9th October.

That special somthing is the Double Down Burger. It’s special because I doesn’t contain any bread. This new (to the UK) is bacon, melted cheese and bbq sauce. Where’s the chicken? Well the normal bun is out the window and has been replaced by 2 fried chicken fillets. 

What a time to be alive.

Chicken, BBQ Sauce, Cheese, more Chicken. 

For those of you that know me, you know that KFC has been my weekness on my SlimmingWorld diet. I can not wait to try this.

This revolution is available for 6 weeks, from Monday.

The US, Austrians and New Zealand has had this delicacy for some time, and now this is reached Britain. 

I Could Face the Death Penalty 

Scrolling through Twitter, I see a few tweets from people that I follow that 13 countries around the world have voted against the UN ban of the death penalty as punishment for being gay. 

Those 13 countries are;

  • Bangladesh
  • Botswana, 
  • Burundi,
  • China, 
  • Japan, 
  • Qatar,
  • Egypt, 
  • Ethiopia, 
  • India, 
  • Iraq, 
  • the United Arab Emirates 
  • Saudi Arabia
  • And the United States of America

You read that correctly. The USA voted against the ruling. It didn’t matter however, the ruling will be passed by majority vote anyway.

It got me thinking;

How can it be, in 2017, that a human can be put to death, for loveing a member of the same gender. Loving another human, is not monstrous, foul or harming any other loving creature on this earth. Supporting the death penalty, however, is. Those people who voted, or put pressure to vote against the rule are the true monsters of the world. 

Shame on you the 13 countries of the world. Shame on you. 

Read More 


2017 has not been my year.

As we are nearing the end of September with 2 months of the year left. I can’t help but look back on the shambles that 2017 has been.

I won’t bore you with the details, it involves job loss, crippling depression, moving home, job loss and heart ache. Defiantly the worst year of my life.

Through all the different issues that have happened this year, I have been shown how much my friends and family mean to me, and how much I mean to them. I’m naturally an emotional person, and would always put others before myself. To see my friends and family drop what they are doing to help me, has made me feel proud to know these people, and to be able to call them friends.

Through all this, I have managed to focus on personal projects. Such as the ControlEnter Podcast, coming into its second season (, My website ( and help progress CosmicFlamingo ( Im proud of each and everyone of these projects. 

I could not have done this without the support of my closest friends and family. They have stood by me, helped where they can,they have been my rocks. I thank each and everyone one of them from the bottom of my heart. You are all family to me. 

The end of this year will be better than then the start. 2018 will be better than this year. 

To top it all off, I welcomed Jarvis to the family a couple of weeks ago. Meet Jarvis.

Don’t Worry

Don’t Worry by Chris Sayce

I think you can only understand anxiety issues if you have experienced those issues yourself. People say, don’t think about it, don’t worry about it. it’s not that simple, that’s not the way I am, that’s not the way my brain is wired. I worry, I over think, over analyse, second guess myself and second, guess my over analysed second guess.

I can take 10-15 minutes typing out, deleting and re-typing a text message to a friend who I’ve known for 10 years because I worry about how it comes across. I’ve already thought about ten thousand replies both good and bad, and the out comes of these replies before I’ve even hit send. And the same goes for email, for phone calls and any interaction with other people.

Don’t worry, they say.

You know what I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. Just go with the flow. The truth is, when you look at any situation and have come up with 5 different things that could happen, i can’t just go with the flow. I’m spoilt for choice. Which flow to go with?

It comes and goes, one day I could be fine, the next, the issue that was perfectly ok yesterday, is now a massive problem today.

Don’t worry, they say.

Thinking is all I can do. Every day, from when I wake up until I go to sleep. Keeping my mind occupied is hard, keeping it focused on one task is hard.

Last minute change, or things that don’t quite go to plan, or the way I expect is horrible to me. I try and plan as much as I can. I can plan and when it comes to it, there it is, around the situation. Holding me back, not letting move forward. I want to, I want to move forward, become better, do things, but I can’t it’s holding me back.

Don’t worry, they say.

My mind jumping from one thing to the next, then back. Then on to a totally new thing. What are they looking at? Why is it going so slow? Why? Why? I need to know, need to analyse. Need to see what the outcome will be.

Don’t worry, they say.

Process is key, if I have a process then I know where I am, where I’ve got to be and I know. I just know.

Don’t worry, they say.

Don’t worry, they say.

They don’t know, I say.

I am me, I am trying, I am living. I wouldn’t want to be any other way.

They know, or so they say.

I’m human (and I like other humans)

I’m human and I like other humans. I thought of these words when I was growing up. When I was afraid of what people thought of me. When I was afraid of what people would do to me if they found out that I’m gay.

I knew I was different from a very young age, I knew I was gay from about the age of 12. I grew up presenting a false self to people, to my friends, my family and my teachers. I spent almost 10 years hiding myself away, not wanting to be noticed, teased or ridiculed for being different.

When I was growing up, in secondary school, looking back now, I can’t say I was bullied, I was teased, and teased a lot because I didn’t chase after girls or have any interest in sports. I was called “gayboy” quite a lot. I would always deny it, but deep down this was making me hide even more.

I went on to college, and then to university, keeping myself in reserve. The damage that had been done to me in school was still prevalent at this time of my life. I was still frightened of what people would think, do and say. I would see other people of all sexualities, expressing themselves to their partner, right there in the open. Within my group of friends at the time, I can remember remarks being made, head nods towards these people. These comments were not intended to hurt or be malicious in any way. They still had an effect on me. Keeping me in hiding.

Enough about the times when I was reserved and hidden. Let’s move on to a happier time. Still in hiding, still in the closet, I met the person who was to become my first boyfriend. We were together for 3 months, and then I had a revelation one Sunday morning. “’I’m human and I like other humans” and why should it matter to anyone else who I love, care for and want to spend my time with. What ever happens now, it’s the other person’s loss. I’m me.

I got ready for work one Sunday morning. Went down stairs to confront my mother and father. My words were “Mom, Dad, please don’t disown me, but I’m gay and have a boyfriend and have done for the past 3 months”. I can remember my Mom and Dad look at each other and back to me. I was in tears at this point. This moment seemed to last a hell of a lot longer than it really did. My heart racing.

My mom stood up, came over to me and gave me a hug, no words were said. I was worried most about what my dad would think. It was my Dad who spoke first; “That doesn’t matter, you’re our son and we love you”. My Mom explained that they would not disown me. Off to work, I went, still shaking.

When I reached work, there is this one guy, who to this day I consider my second dad. At the time, he was my work Dad. I didn’t even say hello. I just said to him “I’m gay”. I think he had one of the best reactions ever. He looked at me dead in the eye and said “…and”. That was it, a non-reaction, the best reaction.

I thought to myself, I should have done this a long long time ago. I would not have been where I was if I had. That day was an emotional roller-coaster for me.

I have a large family, by the time I got home, my one of my sisters said, “I’ve always wanted a gay brother”, one of my brothers said, “You do realise that I will be taking the piss out of you even more now?”. To this day, I do not think I have ever been teased by my brothers for being gay.  My nephew who would have been 14-15 at the time said, “We still love you”. For a teenager to say that to me, who would have been all about image and what people thought of him, I was proud of him.

I was and remain proud of my family for the way that they embraced me, for that I am truly thankful.

I know some people out there do not have the same experience with their families and friends. I can not and will not understand why. I can only say that it is the other person’s loss and their own insecurities are their downfall.

We are all humans, no matter what our differences are we are human. If I love someone of the same sex as me, so what. No other person has the right to judge me. I’m not hurting anyone. I’m living my life.

I’m human and I like other humans.